The Crushing Weight of Expectations

I am lying on the couch grappling with the idea that I am crushing the fun and joy out of everything I do with the weight of my own expectations.

I like to be (my version of) the best at whatever I do. This comes as no surprise to any one who knows me.

For example, I can’t just take up jigsaw puzzles as a hobby — I have to time myself doing them and compare myself to puzzlers around the world to see where I measure up. I work at getting faster at them. I turn something that was designed to be relaxing and I make it competitive and that’s what feels like fun to me.

But this need to be the best is a massive block when it comes to having fun in my business.

Even talking now about having fun in my business makes me feel wary.

There’s a voice in my head that says, “But Joeli, grown-up work isn’t supposed to be fun.” There’s something in me that feels like if I’m having fun then I’m not being in serious enough, like I’m goofing off and I’m about to get yelled at.

Being fun doesn’t make money.

Being silly isn’t taking things seriously.

It’s funny how all this comes back to being a good girl, A+ student.

The kids who goofed off in class got in trouble but I think part of me wanted to be like them.

Part of me deeply craves to be the person that no one has any expectations of.

Little Joeli was expected to be the quiet, well-behaved girl in class. Little Joeli was expected to follow the rules and get good grades.

But there is a tiny rebel inside that got suffocated along the way.

But I think I’m the only one who did the suffocating.

There is part of me that likes to believe that I’m mysterious and hard to know.

My love informs me that sadly, I’m not mysterious in the slightest.

When I came out as queer, multiple people were like “yeah of course you are, we were waiting for you to realise this for ages.”

It’s like I’m the only one who doesn’t see myself clearly.

Maybe everyone else saw the rebellious part of Little Joeli and I’m the only one who rejected it because I thought it wasn’t allowed.

The work I do is really fun. (And it’s quite rebellious, to be honest)

I love coaching people. I love helping clients uncover beliefs that have been in the driver’s seat for way too long. I really love telling people that what they want matters, over and over reminding them that they get to have a life full of joy, until one day it finally clicks. I love seeing people (metaphorically) burn things down and be rebellious and start running their lives and their business in the way that makes them the happiest.

But my brain gets full of worries about letting people down, about making people angry, about not doing a good enough job.

It worries about writing bad emails, being boring, being unlikeable.

And it crushes the fun out of everything.

Deep down, if I’m being super honest, I can see that I am struggling to believe in myself. To believe that I bring something special to this work. That to believe that who I am and how I operate is good enough.

I don’t need more certifications.

I don’t need to be some kind of Real Business Person who works long hours and doesn’t need daily nap time.

But you know what else is true? I don’t need to wait until I’m perfect at believing in myself to show up.

All of those thoughts and all of those worries can just hang out in the back seat. They can eat some cookies and chill out while get more comfortable just having fun and letting that be enough.