Is anyone bringing you lunch?
My almost-12-year-old child forgot his lunch this morning and at 8:20am I was faced with the dilemma: Do I bring it to school for him?
The factors at hand:
He hasn’t ever forgotten his lunch before, so it’s not like this a common occurrence.
It was absolutely pouring rain, and the forecast said it would be like this all day.
It’s a 20 minute walk to his school.
So on the one hand, I really didn’t want my kid to go all day without any food to eat. But on the other hand, I really didn’t want to go out in the rain.
When I was a kid, if I forgot my lunch at home, I knew that no one was bringing it to me. My parents worked out of the house and wouldn’t have been able to bring it to me, but also, it’s just how things were. I knew that it was my responsibility to bring my lunch each day and if I forgot it then I needed to deal with the consequences of that.
Being responsible was a really strong value of my family growing up. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I too want my kids to be responsible. (Mostly I would like them to be responsible for flushing the toilet on a regular basis but that seems to be a wildly high hurdle for them.)
But I also know that how I was taught to be responsible also created a belief that the only person I can depend on is myself.
I can see now that as an adult, because I view everything as my responsibility, I’m not great at asking for help. And I’m really not great at needing people. I once got burned badly enough to require medical treatment and when the nurse told me I would have to go to the burn clinic twice a week for three weeks to have my bandages changed, I genuinely asked her, “Can’t I just do that myself?” I just didn’t think I needed to bother the NHS with something that I was sure I could handle on my own. (She steadfastly, and very wisely, refused.)
Besides, I have so much evidence of my ability to handle things so why should I ask for help? Then someone might go out of their way to do something for me, and they’ll be resentful of that, and hate me, and it’s just so much easier not to ask in the first place.
You know what’s not great for building deep and meaningful relationships with people? Having the attitude that you don’t need them. You know what builds trust and connection? Asking for help and letting people take care of you.
I’m sorry if you also feel deeply upset by this news, I’m right there with you. And yet it still stubbornly remains true.
So now I’m looking at my kid’s lunch sitting on the counter and thinking “If I bring this lunch to him, will he grow up thinking that someone will always be around to fix his mistakes and he’ll never take anything seriously? If I don’t bring his lunch, will he feel let down?”
Parenting sucks, and I never know what the right answer is.
But I do know this: When I show love and acceptance for other people’s mistakes, I’m also showing love and acceptance to those parts of myself*. When I teach my kids that it’s okay to need help, I’m reminding myself that it’s okay for me to need help. And when I bring my child his lunch because I want him to know he can depend on me to have his back, I’m also telling little Joeli “hey it’s okay to depend on other people, they’ve got your back too.”
I got absolutely soaked, by the way. Completely drenched through from head to toe.
But my kiddo came home from school and said, “Thanks for bringing my lunch.” and somehow that made it all worth it.
Parenting is a weird and wild ride.